My Cute Haole


              It must be that time of the year, or maybe I'm seeing too many couples holding hands on the street to get me to reminisce about my cute haole in Hilo on the Big Island.  Or maybe because I got that email from him today wishing me well and hoping that everything is alright with me.  The one that I left behind....because of practical reasons.

                 He had blue/green eyes that could change color depending on the light, with brown curly hair sun kissed with streaks of blond.  Sure, he had his faults but he was kind hearted.  It felt amazing to stay cuddled in his arms, he smelled of waterfalls and the ocean.  The kittens love him.  We baked brownies together, and sat on the porch to watch the rain as his gray kitten stood by my legs and swatted the mosquitoes with his tail that came near me.  When I heard that the brother of the gray kitten, this is a black one that died I was so sad.  The black kitten used to lay on my lap when I had my legs on my cute haole on the couch and he would reach over to pet it.  Then the gray one would hop on us as well.  I wish I had gotten a picture of that moment.

                He could touch his tongue to his nose and cross his eyes.  It would make me laugh.

                This dude seriously couldn't function without his morning coffee, and since I'd brought him dark chocolates, he would put a piece or two in his coffee and give me a sip.  Or I'd just kiss him after he drinks his coffee for a taste of it on his lips. 

                I got him an ice cream sundae just so I could watch him eat it because it made me smile.

                He said I could put my legs on his lap anytime I want to, if I would come back. 

                We went hiking or walking with his friend and he took my hand to help me over the rocks or the branches and vines, and later on he told me that he was glad he had that excuse to hold my hand.  I didn't want to get all mushy in front of his friend, but he said he didn't care about that yet he didn't because he was taking his cue from me.

                He washed my rental car for me, because it was covered in dirt.  That was really sweet, he didn't have to.  He doesn't mind doing dishes or cleaning up either.

                When I'm at the airport to board the plane home, he said that he looks and watches me each time until he can't see me anymore hoping that I would look back, but I never do. 

                He had magic fingers, an awesome tongue, and the sex was amazing, but it wasn't just the sex.  That's not it at all.  Maybe it's the fantasy....

                The fantasy that he's mine and that there's no problems or faults or anything wrong....and that everyday was perfect and sweet.  No, that's not it.  I don't wish everyday was perfect and sweet and problem free because that would be unrealistic and it wouldn't exist.  I wish that he was grounded/balanced enough and mature enough to work through it with me.  Or independent enough and in control of his life, and not dependent on his friend (who he lives with rent free). Be someone that I could possibly have a future with, instead of being/acting like one big kid.

                I only realize the problems when I am back on Oahu or when I'm on the plane.  I met another haole on the Big Island online, and he had exactly the things that my ex was lacking.  This haole was smart, mature, grounded, responsible for himself/his life, have some ambition and he doesn't smoke/drink/do weed, and we have alot in common.  He has all the things my ex lacks and is missing all the things my ex excelled at. 

                 Now if I could just combine the two.  That would be my pefect man. 

                 That's exactly what I'm looking for.  I finally have some clarity.  I want all the romance/sex/affection and all the good qualities like kindness/gentleness/easy-going/accomodating combined with someone that's mature and grounded enough to build a long lasting relationship. 

                 Since that's a dream, and there's no combining guys and qualities...I guess I'll just be here by myself.  I'm ok with that.  I could go travel for a bit by myself.  At least my dream of having my own house and my dog "Dreamer" my siberian husky is going to happen soon. 




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